These excerpts were taken from www.faceparty.com website and are answers to peoples "agony aunt" questions. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Grim Rita As a former dominatrix and certified grouch, Grim Rita certainly puts the 'agony' back into 'aunt'. Tell Rita your deepest worries and we promise she'll give you her honest opinion, whether you like it or not. Sit back, relax and revel in your fellow members' misfortunes. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Rita, You got any tips on how to strike up a conversation that won't end in two seconds flat? Start the chat with 'Do you think suicide bombers are the modern day artist?'. It will last for hours and you might get the bonus of having a bottle ground into your skull. The Gush Dear Rita, If you wank too much is it possible to run out of cum? Christ. No matter how often you wank you will still be able to shed a tear over that picture of Michael Jackson you have. The Turd Way Dear Rita, I've not seen any white dog shit for years, what's that all about? It's because they've reduced the amount of calcium in the food. So, you can no longer tell your mates it's chalk and laugh as it crumbles in their fingers. Old Bitch Dear Rita, Do dogs get the menopause? Nope, they can have puppies well into their 80's. I want photos of doggy grans 'at it'. Bon Appetite Dear Rita, I work at a Wetherspoons and I'm outraged at your comment about pigeons. Our kitchens are cleaned to a very high standard and no pigeons die in them! So how do you explain 'lamb' Wetherburgers then? Domestic Goddess Dear Rita, What's the weirdest thing a bloke has ever asked you to do? I once had a guy ask me to do the washing up. I needed to be sedated for his own safety. Victim Support Dear Rita, Do any of your lazy ass staff work at the weekends? No. If you have any technical enquiries over this period, simply, fuck off. Dear Rita, My boyfriend's mom looks down on me because I stole her baby boy away from her. What can I say so she will like me? Tell her that when your boyfriend cums he cries out her name. Chav Rooms Dear Rita, When opening chat it says I need a java compatible browser which I haven't got. What do I do to get it? Go to www.java.com and download the thing. I guarantee after 10 minutes on chat you'll want to start garroting people. Sweet Dear Rita, That comment about columbine was fucking sick. Aww. Stop it. You're making me blush. Tomb With a View Dear Rita, What do you want on your headstone when you die? In tiny letters, 'You're standing on my cunt.' Clitty Clitty Bang Bang Dear Rita, I've masturbated quite a lot, since I was little. Now, when guys finger me or perform oral, it doesn't do much. Do you think I may have worn down my nerve endings? No, you've just taught your fanny only to cum when touched in certain ways. Cunts have memories. Try to wank differently, and teach yer old clit new tricks. How Welsh Dear Rita, I recently found out I have a latex allergy, and had to throw my sex toys away. Do you know anywhere that supplies latex free vibes? You can get silicone dildos anywhere and most vibrators are plastic (not latex). You could go 'organic' and use a leek? Deaf Con Dear Rita, My ex recently left me, because she doesn't love me anymore, but I haven't done anything wrong. What's up with her? Read my lips. She doesn't love you anymore. Walk the Walk Dear Rita, I've never fucked a boy, before. I'm scared, that if I do, my mum will notice the way I walk is different. Christ. Where do you people get this shit from? If having sex changed your gait, then I'd be walking like a Komodo Dragon. Grand Tourettes Dear Rita, I was just wondering if Faceparty has meetings where people meet up? Like a roadshow or something? I was pissed at the last meeting, but I think I remember someone mentioning something about pink rubber dwarves on unicycles. Can't quite remember the connection, but it was definately something to do with the next party. Previous Issue Next Issue updated weekly : issue 4, December, 2004 Loose Tile Dear Rita, What's the best way to fail an attempt at suicide, without maiming yourself? Throw yourself off the roof... of a dolls house. Name That Tube Dear Rita, We are trying to think of names for my boyfriend's dick. What do you suggest? My ex-husband used to call his Vlad the Impaler. However, it was more like Brad the Inhaler. Spinal Tap Dear Rita, Have you ever done anything that you really regret? Suspending a fat Quantity Surveyor, upside down, from my ceiling. My back's never been the same since. Festive Guts Dear Rita, Where will you be spending Christmas this year? I have a nice isolation tank full of booze. After that, I'm booked into an institution - to give my liver it's annual scrape and polish. Second Hand Dar Dear Rita, Can you count, on your fingers and toes, how many men you've slept with? No problem. If I was a millipede Varsity Dear Rita, I'm having some trouble with my personal statement for my UCAS form. What shall I say about myself? "Baby frightening queen, with face that curdles milk, seeks education from you cunts. SAE enclosed." Bollywood Wives Dear Rita, My mate is Asian and her parents say she needs to get married soon. She doesn't want to and she's planning to run away. What should she do? A visit to social services, with a few Rimmel eyeshadow bruises, and an epic tale involving beards, beatings and cargo ships to Yemen. That should sort it. Bit Nippy Dear Rita, It's one of my fantasies to have sex with a Japanese girl, but they are all too shy. How can I approach one without scaring her? I think you should lie on the conveyor belt at 'Yo! Sushi', with a dollop of wasabi on your bell end. Wacko! Dear Rita, What is birching? A bundle of birch twigs - thrashed over some fat, hairy accountant's arse. Squirmalot Dear Rita, Describe the tongue movements when your 'kopping' a lad. Think 'eel on ketamine'. Previous Issue Next Issue updated weekly : issue 1, January, 2005 Jail Bird Dear Rita, If you were on death row, and had one last request, what would it be? I'd ask them to increase the dose of my lethal injection, as the last one didn't touch the sides. Festive Relief Dear Rita, Do you know any good remedies to get rid of a massive hangover? Two painkillers, a bottle of sparkling wine and a masseur called Jurgen. Boing Boing Dear Rita, Are magic mushrooms still illegal if they aint prepared? If you eat fresh mushies, you won't get nicked. Not unless you end up naked on a bus stop roof, giggling and offering passers by your shit. Mommy Weirdest Dear Rita, Whats your New Year's resolution? To put my mother into a home, before she spends my entire inheritance on cake and bloody corn pads. Towering Inferno Dear Rita, What has been your most painful, sexual experience? It involved chocolates and roses. It was ghastly. Dear Rita, Whas gwain u bumbaclut, iz u aight. Wot u bin on gyaldem? Newayz holla bk at me yea safe. Another chav from Southend who thinks she's a rasta. I'm going to start a new national sport to replace fox hunting. It's called chavvy chase. Previous Issue Next Issue updated weekly : issue 3, January, 2005 Daddy Dickhead Dear Rita, I'm 16 and I've just lost my virginity. My boyfriend now wants me to have a baby with him. I'm really scared that if I say no, he'll dump me. What should I do? Get really into the idea. Show him brochures of the private schools you want the kid to go to. Then watch him as he swiftly changes his mind. Wicca Wuss Dear Rita, I do Wicca and my parents don't know about it. I've just bought an athame. They nearly killed me when I dyed my hair black. What shall I do? Compared to being burnt at the stake, pissing off your parents is hardly the Spanish Inquisition. Fucking wimp. Unutterably Thick Dear Rita, I've been told that if I fuck a girl too fast, she won't be able to breathe in. Is that true? Try decanting your cock, from your hand to a vagina some time, and you might just find out. Sparky Dear Rita, What's your favourite sex toy? The national grid. Original Sin Dear Rita, My Boyfriend just finished with me, because he needs to 'protect' those that love him the most. This includes me. What the fuck does this mean? Oh he's good. This is the type of dumping that boys do, to feel less guilt. In reality he's shagging someone else and you make him barf. Aluminum Dear Rita, I'm an American, yet sometimes I have no clue what you're saying. Like 'kopping'. Can you please explain your words? Christ. Well we Brits have had to cope with 'sidewalk' (pavement), 'garbage' (rubbish) and 'liberate' (invade). So deal with it. Dog End Dear Rita, My puppy pees anywhere she wants - its pissing me off! How do I train her? She's stupid. Our 'completely normal' American chums have come up with the answer. Pooch Pads. Personally, I find the 'kick in the face' method far superior. Bit Sniffy Dear Rita, My boyfriend does Charlie, can it damage your mental health? He's becoming slightly violent and weird. Coke abuse makes you impotent, paranoid, friendless and potless. A bit like my ex. Dump the cunt. Previous Issue Next Issue updated weekly : issue 4, January, 2005 Ooh Ambassador Dear Rita, Are there foods you can eat, to prevent shitty cock during anal? The night before a good chunnel romping, treat yourself to a nice chunk of Ex-Lax. It's the Ferrero Rocher of laxatives. Rubbery Dear Rita, Where's the cheapest place to buy condoms? You can get the industrial strength ones, from Family Planning, for free. But it's like trying to read braille through the bladder of a goat. Ding Dong Dear Rita, Is it true that chicks love musicians? Shane McGowan, from the Pogues, has a face like a smashed clock - even he gets laid. Sweet Nothings Dear Rita, During sex, what else can I say apart from 'OH GOD!' and 'YES! YES! YES!'? 'Put the money on the dresser'. Luv Dup Dear Rita, When a boy tells you he loves you, is he being serious or lying? Before he's emptied his love scones he's lying. Afterwards, he's talking in his sleep. Becky Bondage Dear Rita, A friend and I have done a photoshoot for a fetish guy. We had to sign a contract, is this bad? The fact you signed a 'Model release form' shows he's professional. It also means you consented for him to sell the pics. So see you in The Daily Sport next week. Mr Squeaker Dear Rita, I've got a problem with my voice. I'm 17, but my voice still sounds like a little girl's. Can you help? Go see a voice coach. Or start a lucrative career - as the voice for a cartoon mouse. Tricky Hickie Dear Rita, Can lovebites really cause cancer? Christ. No. Sin Off Dear Rita, What you are doing at the moment is a sin. It's wrong, dirty and it is forcing others to sin also. You are a horrid sinner! God you make me horny. Glasgow Kiss Dear Rita, I'm wanting to do something romantic, but original, for my girlfriend on Valentine's day. You got any ideas? Your profile mentions you're Scottish. Don't get pissed and refrain from head-butting your girlfriend. She'll think it's the best Valentine's ever. Googalizer Dear Rita, I want to buy a crystal wand, but I can't find one anywhere. Any ideas where I can get one? Just an idea. Try a fucking search engine and type in the words 'crystal', 'wand' and 'cunt'. Jesus Intollerant Dear Rita, Call me thick, but what is Wicca? It's the politically correct name for Witchcraft. Like Satanists are now ecclesiastically challenged. PC Stoner Dear Rita, I want to try weed, but know nothing about the stuff. What does it do and would it affect my chances of getting into the police? Smoking weed can have nasty side effects, like making you eat pop-tarts or enjoying jazz. If you want to join the filth then I wouldn't start. Previous Issue Next Issue updated weekly : issue 2, February, 2005 Nice Boys Dear Rita, Some of the guys have 'into vanilla' on their profiles. What does this mean? Tender, loving, dull as fuck sex. Pass me the in-flight bag. Cough Dear Rita, The smoking police are really starting to piss me off. Any ideas for what I can say/do to stop the self righteous pricks from having a go? I give out a leaflet saying "Smoking. Funding the NHS for 60 years". Top Tips Dear Rita, Do you know anything to help prevent sagging? An early death. The Worm that Turned Dear Rita, Whats the strangest thing you've ever eaten? The lizard at the bottom of a 'specialist' tequila. Made the worms seem like filet steak. Bummer Dear Rita, Did you feel bad when you found out the Pope was in hospital - following your recent comments about him? Christ. Why do you think he's in hospital? He bent over to bless a vegetable and I was there behind him. Any Skins Sarge? Dear Rita, How dare you refer to the police as 'filth'. My father is in the police force and it's a good job. Yeah, especially with all that access to missing exhibits A, B and C. Previous Issue Next Issue updated weekly : issue 3, February, 2005 Poxy Bastard Dear Rita, What the hell is shingles? If chicken pox was a pikey, and it had a nasty psychopathic cousin who liked to hurt people, he would be called 'shingles'. Throaty Dear Rita, When I get a new dog-collar or choker, my neck goes red and blotchy. Do you know a good way to stop the reaction? Cover the inside of the collar with plastic 'paint-on skin' from the chemist. Alternatively, start wearing a cravat. Hair Dear Rita, My girlfirend wants me to cut my hair, but I want it longer. Should I cut it? Oh don't cut it. Come over to my place and I'll give it a once over with an electric sander. Old Bat Dear Rita, Is it true that you sleep hanging from the rafters in an old barn? I generally sleep/pass out on my carpet with my face in the ashtray. Pride And Joy Dear Rita, What do your parents think of wot you do? As one is scattered around the vegetable patch and the other is bonkers, neither are capable of rational thought. Hissy Fit Dear Rita, Just because my epilepsy slows me down a little, it doesn't mean I have a learning disabilty. Why don't people understand this? I think flailing around on the ground, like a beached kipper, might give out the wrong signals. Dream On Dear Rita, Why can't I find a woman that only wants rampant 'no ties sex'? Christ. Just like Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny, 'Women who Fancy You' just don't exist. White Stripes Dear Rita, I've got two white lines, just to the left and right of my flaps! What is it and how do I get rid of it? Unless you've been chopping lines of coke on your Grand Canyon, I call this stuff 'mung'. It's smeg for ladies. Try washing. Unintended Dear Rita, I'm having an affair with a married man - and it's the best! But I think I'm falling in love with him. Affairs with married men lead to one thing: Sitting alone on Christmas day, listening to Snow Patrol and carving 'unloved' in your arm with a carrot peeler. Tramp Love Dear Rita, My boyfriend asked me to marry him and gave me a plastic ring out of a 10p machine. Do you think he was serious? A man should spend 10% of his annual income on a ring. If he sells the Big Issue, then he's serious. Honeymoon in a cardboard box somewhere? Nice. Moo Dear Rita, I put up a picture of me in red lingerie. When I first submitted it, it was considered adult. Now it's public content. How come it's changed? Some of our more squeamish validation gimps got scared at a picture of a walrus in red nylon. It was later pointed out that it's not exactly rude. Just scary. Previous Issue Next Issue updated weekly : issue 4, February, 2005 Tussle Mary Dear Rita, I really want to be a professional wrestler, but I don't know where to start. The last time I saw a couple of young men, forcing each other to the floor in passionate embrace, the video was called 'Saving Ryan's Privates'. Go find a local 'club'. Rampant Grans Dear Rita, I have just joined Faceparty, as a middle aged divorced man. Is there any chance of me finding any friends here? Peruse our members. There are loads of middle aged ladies absolutely gagging for it. Get AVS and see for yourself. Don't eat first. Beauty Trip Dear Rita, Have you got any beauty tips? You could go for that 'Picasso' look. Take some acid and then put your make-up on. Wodka Dear Rita, Where's the weirdest place you've ever woken up? Spread-eagled over a nuclear bomb shelter, in St Petersburg, with an icicle of vodka stuck to my chin. Final Destination Dear Rita, Where do pigeons go to die? The kitchen at Wetherspoon's.